Jokes from Eculaugh (see www.ecunet.org)
Cartoon called "A Presbyterian Thanksgiving." Well dressed people sitting around a dining table. No food on the table as yet. Maid holding a piece of paper. Man at head of table saying, "Before proceeding, Gertrude will read the minutes of the last Thanksgiving."
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
As part of the examination, the professor required that students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance during the exam.

Unsure of whether he should sign the form, one student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. As he turned in his exam, he asked the professor if that meant he should not sign the form.

The professor looked over the student's answers, and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
The Prayer
~~~~~~~~~~

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, m.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the offering plate was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, loudly stating, "If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
The preacher was giving a children's sermon about morality and told a story of a burglar who broke into a jewellery store at night.

The burglar went to the safe where the jewels and the cash were kept, and on the door of the safe he sees a signs that reads, "Please do not use explosives. The safe is not locked. Just turn the handle."

So, the thief turns the handle and immediately the alarm goes off! Unable to exit quickly enough, he is still there when the police arrive, and is arrested.

"So, children," asks the preacher, "what is the moral of the story?"

"You can't trust anybody?" replied Little Johnny.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday children's sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the children's sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the children, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Little Johnny, sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Father Knows Best...

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway, all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.

The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
Going into church one day, a man looking for a place to sit asked a
lady: "Is the seat next to you saved?"

To which she replied: "No, but I'm praying for it."
A farmer bought a run-down farm with plans to turn it around, even though the fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing.
During his first day of work, the preacher comes to bless the man's work. A few months later, the preacher stops by again to see how farm is progressing.
The farmhouse is rebuilt, lots of cows are in new pens, and the fields are neatly planted.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God helped you accomplish!"
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

The Nun & the Bedpan

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station Just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

Send your joke idea to office@uccpocatello.org